Mommy Dearest

There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect person.  As children, our parents and especially our mothers, are our everything.  They are God in the flesh to us.  We have no cognition that they can do wrong or that they are less than perfect.  As we get older and the veil is lifted we are often surprised and maybe slightly distraught that this person we saw as perfect is actually only human.  With maturity we are able to reconcile the fact that although they are not perfect the love and nurturing they show us is more than enough.  We no longer want or expect perfection, we accept her with all her flaws and love her just the same.

What happens, however, when we are not given the chance to reconcile our expectations of perfection with the reality of humanness because our mother constantly keeps the flame of disappointment alive?  In other words, how can we grow to have a normal, adult relationship of mutual respect, admiration, and love with out mothers if she constantly does things which are detrimental to the mother-daughter relationship?  The answer is that it is impossible to have this type of relationship with a mother who has no desire to build a healthy relationship with her daughter.  The relationship that is not built on mutual respect will be fickle and unrewarding.

So what type of mother chooses to sabotage her relationship with her child? We will get to that in the future, but first let us talk about you.  How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?  Is it complicated?  Too complicated to even put into words?  If so, you are not alone.  There are many daughters who have trouble navigating the relationship with their mothers for various reasons.  Sometimes daughters are the instigators of issues that arise between themselves and their mothers, but often it is the parent, the mother who is the major cause of friction.  Why? Because some mothers do not like their daughters.  Yes, there are mothers who, for whatever reason, do not like their daughters.  How can you tell if your mother does not like you?  I will give you some pointers, but first let me stress that this is not about vilifying mothers while making daughters look like innocent victims.  To the contrary.  In any dysfunctional relationship there are at least two people partly responsible, and daughters play a part in sustaining the dysfunctional dynamic.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to determine if your mother dislikes you:

1) Does my mother constantly undermine my attempts to be successful?
2) Does it feel like I can never do anything right in my mother's eyes?
3) Am I constantly bending over backwards to please her?
4) Does my mother talk about me behind my back or try to turn my siblings against me?
5) Does my mother send me mixed signals, one minute she loves me the next she is angry with me?
6) Does my mother blame me for everything that goes wrong?
7) Does my mother attack my physical looks or make snide or sideways comments about my physical appearance?
8) Does she call me names?
9) Does she accuse my father of loving me more than her, or of taking my side?
10) Does she try to steal my shine? Does she take the credit for things I do?
11) Does my mother try to make me feel guilty if I don't do things her way? Does she lay the guilt trip on me?
12) Does my mother accuse me of of not caring about her or ignoring her?
13) Do I feel like my life revolves around making my mother happy?
14) Does she undermine your authority with your children" (i.e. gifting child with cell phone when you have made it clear you do not want your child with a cell phone)
15) Does she embarrass you in front of other people?
16) Does she threaten physical harm to me if I do something she doesn't like?


How you answer the above questions will give you a better understanding of how your mother feels about you.  When using the word dislike here, remember that the word can be used interchangeably with the word "ambivalent", and/or "jealous".  Think about the above questions and your answers to them.  These questions are a good starting point for further conversation on the matter.  Do feel free to let us know your story or to ask questions here.  Further information and discussion will be forthcoming.