Choosing Sides

One thing I have learned in this journey is that despite assurances they do not choose sides, most people do.  It is incredibly difficult for a person to remain neutral in the midst of family dysfunction.  In life it is natural for people to choose an allegiance.  Are you Democrat or Republican?  Do you prefer chocolate cake or vanilla?  We all have things we agree with, and things we do not really like.  In relationships, things are no different.  Rest assured that if you have had a difficult relationship with your mother, and your family knows about it, they have already tried you and came up with their verdict.  So in your family are you the victim or the problem?

For years my sister promised me she was neutral.  Assured over and over again that she would not pick a side in this ongoing battle between my mother and I, I found myself many times hesitantly revelaing things about my personal life to her.  She was my sister, and sister's are supposed to be best friends, right?  When I had family problems she was usually the first to know, or at least the one to know the most intimate details.  She and my mother were always closer than my mother and I, but I was only slightly worried my sister would go back and repeat what I would tell her.  Time and time again I would find that my mother would have knowledge of things going on in my life I had not told her and deep down inside I knew my sister was going back and telling, yet I think I was so desperate to have a family that I overlooked it time and time again.

In my extended family I have always been the villain.  Running away and putting my mother through hell as a teenager got me labeled a problem child.  My rebellious nature sticks in their minds and they cannot seem to get past that.  It is hard for them to believe that I am not the issue or trouble maker.  Choosing to stay to myself has not helped my cause.  Because of all the friction between my mother and myself I normally choose to stay away from family functions.  There have been times of peace between my mother and I and during those times I would show up but by and large I am a mystery to my extended family.  What they know of me and who I am comes largely from my mother has told them.

A recent death in the family brought us all together as a family.  During that trying time  I got a very clear view of who was on my side and who had been sucked into her lies and deceit.  I was very surprised to learn that aunts whom I thought did not like me were actually the ones who ran to my side, and those who I thought I was cool with totally flipped on me.  It was a very difficult lesson to learn.  In hindsight, which is always twenty-twenty, I wish I had showed up more instead of cowering in a corner afraid to be seen or heard and afraid of judgement.  I wish I would have stood up for myself and let them get to know me for themselves instead of leaving it up to my mother to paint a picture of who I am.

Remember that you cannot convince anyone to like you, including your mother.  All you can really do is continue to live your life the best way you know how and try to be an example of love and grace.  Don't get angry at the people in your life who have chosen to side with your mother.  Instead, continue to love them as you remember that your mother is very likely manipulation and controlling them the same way she tried to do with you.  Although my mother has repeatedly treated my sister poorly, my sister has unfortunately decided to give her total allegiance to my mother.  Understand that some people are more easily controlled than others and be thankful you are not one of them, or that you are learning to not be one of them.

Please feel free to join my Facebook group, "Hated Child".  It is a closed group but I would love to have more hated daughters there so we can continue this dialogue.

Never Good Enough

One tactic used by mothers to exert control over their daughters is a mental manipulation game used to keep daughter on her toes.  It is a game where daughter is never right.  Mother creates a standard and daughter tries her best to reach it.  Once daughter (finally) feels she has reached that standard mother raises the bar even higher.  Thus, daughter can never successfully meet her mothers expectations which leaves her feeling frustrated.

Here is what a dialogue might sound like between a mother and daughter who are in a dysfunctional pattern:

Mom:  "So Sue, what are you doing with your life these days?"

Sue:  "Well, I'm still working part time at the Law firm.  I should be getting promoted soon."

Mom: (grunts and rolls her eyes)

Sue: "Amy just went on maternity leave.  I'm pretty sure they are eyeing me for her position because she will likely return to part time."

Mom:  "That's nice, but what about the Law Firm I told you about last week?  Those people there seem real nice.  They handled dad's case a few years ago."

Sue:  "Yes, but I like where I work it's close to home and everyone there are real nice."

Mom:  "Sue, you have to get serious about life, you really should apply at that law firm we spoke about.  You can't stay part time forever."

Sue:  "But mom, do you remember the last law firm I worked for offered me the full time job, you thought it would be too much for me.  You thought I should decline the position and focus on going back to school."

Mom:  "Well, whatever happened to school anyway?" (Notice that when the mother is put on the spot or challenged she changes the conversation to take the focus off of her or avoid answering the question.  Because she does not have a sufficient answer for her daughter's question she will switch to talking about school where she may gain the upper hand in the conversation).

Sue:  "After we talked about how it wasn't such a good school I decided to take some time off and look into other schools."

Mom:  " I never told you to quit."

Sue: "I know mom, but you acted like you hated the school.  You kept telling me I could do better."

Mom:  "I think you should have stayed where you were, and finished college.  You could have worked part time."

Sue: (Exasperated) "But mom!  You just said I should try to get a full time job."

What is happening in the above dialogue?  To someone who doesn't know better it seems like nothing more than a mother who is slightly annoying and can't make up her mind, but in reality we are seeing a mother who is a) offering unsolicited advice, b) questioning her daughter's ability to make an intelligent decision for her own life c) creating in her daughter a feeling of confusion.  

That is just the beginning.  When this type of confusing advice or direction is constantly offered to a daughter, who then follows the advice only to be  met with her mother's disaproval, it creates a daughter who is always uneasy and unsure of what is really expected of her.  Furthermore, this type of behavior causes a daughter to question herself when making important decisions.

Does this sound like something your mother does?  Join the group on facebook.  I haven't posted much because it is a new group with no members but I would like to continue the dialogue there.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/

Some of you may be happy to know I have created a new facebook group for this small community of hated daughters.  

https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/

Please feel free to join.

Help Me Understand What this Means

Hello all.  Sorry to say this may not be a post that will be beneficial to most but I am sitting here kind of stunned and thought I would reach out to this little community.  By chance I had purchased a book titled, "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz a few years ago.  Since my mother drank a little when I was growing up, and because I am always looking for answers for why my relationship with my mother is so dysfunctional I purchased the book but never read it.  Just yesterday I picked up the book and on the back cover there were a list of "symptoms" one might have if they were a child of an alcoholic.  As I looked it over I felt a knot in my stomach as I realized I display pretty much every attribute of being the child of an alcoholic.

My interest piqued, I went online today to take a quiz about adult children of alcoholics and am dumbfounded that I scored 17 out of 20 questions for having the attributes of the child of an alcoholic.  I am not sure what this means because I had never perceived my mother as being an alcoholic.  I remember very little of my childhood, but I do remember there was a period where my mother probably drank too much.  I had never thought too much of it as she never abused us or called us names as a result of drinking.  In my mind I would never have identified her as being an alcoholic, so I am not sure how I have all the attributes of being the child of an alcoholic.

I have to do more research but I am kind of freaked out right now.  I have always felt "different" as if I was struggling more than the average person to figure life out and I could never put my finger on it.  If it turns out that, in fact, my mother's period of drinking affected me this much...I have to start from scratch.  It means that all the theories I had about our relationship or lack thereof must all be washed away and I have to start over again.  It means that maybe things are not as complicated between us as I had thought and maybe all the wondering and figuring out was actually quite simple-she was an alcoholic and it ruined our relationship. 

Well, I have to go think, but before I do that I wanted to leave a bit of good news.  I have decided to move forward with my plans to write a book about my relationship with my mother.  I believe it should take no more than two years to be ready to be published.  I will keep you all updated and may be reaching out to some of you for your stories or input.

Keep the faith ladies, things will get better.-Angie