Thursday, December 16, 2010

When Mother's Hate Their Daughters

Hello all.  I am so glad you have stumbled across my blog.  If you are here because you did an internet search, you are in the right spot.  Here you will get answers to your questions and assurance that you are not imagining things.  Here you will receive confirmation that it is possible, and not all that rare, for mothers to dislike their daughters.  I decided to write this blog because I write for associated content.  On that site I have several articles dealing with the issue of mother and daughter relationships, and those articles have proven to get the most traffic and commentary.  Based on the comments I received I realized this is an issue that simply cannot be ignored.  What prompted me to write the articles for associated content in the first place is that I was doing internet searches myself, trying to get information about my relationship with my mother.  I kept hitting a brick wall.  It was then I realized there must be hundreds, if not thousands, of other daughters out there looking for answers to their questions.

Let me first clarify one thing.  The word "hate" used in the blog title is strictly for the shock factor (and because it is easier to write than dislike).  It is very rare for the mother to actually hate the child. A more appropriate word would be dislike or ambivalence.  In any event I will use the words interchangeably to describe how the mother feels toward the child.  I also want to clarify that mothers may also dislike their sons.  For this blog I will focus, in most cases on the mothers relationship with her teen or adult daughter.  I find that the relationship between mother and daughter is often very complex.  When a mother dislikes a son, she usually just dislikes him because he is who he is.  When a mother dislikes her daughter there are so many other factors that come into play, primarily the issue of jealousy which we will talk about in future posts.

Perhaps you have come here because your mother acts strange.  Maybe you are trying to find out if her behavior is normal, or maybe you are trying to figure out if you have done something to provoke the way your mother treats you.  I do not know the specifics of your situation, and I would like to caution you not to jump to conclusions.  All people in all relationships have disagreements.  In a perfect world people would act the way we want them to act, and do the things we want them to do.  In a perfect world there would be no such thing as different communication styles and misunderstandings.  Unfortunately, communication differences and misunderstandings are a part of relationships.  No one is exempt from having bumps in the road.  Perhaps after following this blog you will learn that what you are experiencing with your mother is actually quite normal.  You may however, find that you are in a distinct group of women who have a mother who dislikes them.  If you find that you are one of those women in the latter group, be encouraged.  This blog will give you insight and coping mechanisms.  I will help you navigate your relationships and perhaps come to a resolution.  In the meantime, do take time to read my articles on associated content.  These articles will give you a good foundation and some great information on your relationship with your mother.

http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/585930/angela_medina.html

22 comments:

  1. my sister seems to think this way......it is a serious problem and has caused unrest in the family....even during the crucial time of my dad goin thru a heart attack did not seemed to hav calmed her down.......its a long story....whr can we discuss ths...my email is alpha.q_07@yahoo.co.in.....are u an expert on this...or just a blogger?

    ReplyDelete
  2. My mother has always hated me, always beat me, always tore me down. She thinks drugs is her excuse, well, I've had enough.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My mother abandoned me as a child. Then in teen years put me in dangerous situations,laughed as a much older boyfriend beat me with a roller skate, shot heroin and cocaine into my veins, taught me to do things that I did not know were illegal until I found myself in prison for them. At which time she had a year long live in relationship with my husband while having custody of my children. And she never had a drug or alcohol addiction to blame. Oh and did I mention that my brother and sister always lived with her and they are all still close. And I always made excuses for her and tried to win her love until the last month or two. Could I possibly be that stupid? Or just in denial.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your not stupid. My mother hates me too... I believe it's because they are unhappy with themselves and they are so blinded by their jealousy and hate.

      Delete
  4. i do have problems with mooom actully am 100 sure she dislike maybe maybe no but she prefers my brother more than me and am not jelous from him nooo but there are lots of thing happens between me and her and ma bro for example today i had a big fight with ma bro the problem was i sent him to my room to get my handbag cuz he wanted his charge and instead of he goes and get the hangbag he sent the maid and he went after so she gets the handbags when he came i told him i asked u not her in this way u will make her bored from the work and se will leave he got mad and came and took the lapp awy from me and came closer to me he wannted to hit soo i gave him 3 slaps and mom then jumped in and said that i started and started scolding me not hiim he is 8 and a half years old and am 16 years old ...... etc lots of things happened more than this which proves that she always stands with him aww and somthing else when she comes and wants to tell ma father what happened she tells him things didnt happen at alll .... its not only me who see's this fact that mom prefers ma bro more even ma older broo he daily tells me the same thing
    what do u think of what i said ?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have always felt so alone in this respect. Many other children loved my mother and thought I was so lucky. When it was the 2 of us, she didn't want to talk to me , just lecture or threaten me with discipline if I didn't behave like she required me to behave. In public she was so friendly and gracious and behind closed doors she was bitter and unhappy and very hard to talk to and be around.she rarely complemented me, instead fussed over my impossible hair and lamented my crooked teeth needed help. I never felt pretty enough or smart enough or good enough to deserve sa good life. And as rheumatoid arthritis crept slowly throughout my body, she lectured me about friends of hers having 5 jobs. And 3 weeks after my spinal fusion back surgery you growled get a job under her breath. My whole life I wanted to be good enough for her. And have felt rejection at every turn. When the man my mom was having an affair with started to turn his affection towards me and I told her months later, she became angry with me and has not been able to be in the same room with me ever since. She became a confidant with my husband, especially in our divorce. She is an alcoholic that has been drinking from one degree to another since college. She was a beautiful exquisite looking woman that has never recovered from her pedophile grandfather. Not that she ever really tried. I'm so sorry it happened and I would never wish it on anyone. I believe people can recover from almost anything given enough time. But they need to work on it, and I also believe it gives her a reason to drink. I have always had a hole in my heart, everyone I let in my world notices it. Whether I retreat for days sometimes weeks fighting depression, or in the way I am damaged. I have come to the conclusion that when a mommy doesn't love her little girl that no one else can fill that hole. Not money power sex drugs. Nothing. Because who could possibly love you if your own mother can't love you? So, somewhere deep in my heart, I don't believe anyone really loves me. I am unlovable. For lots of reasons, mostly because my hair was so hard to control for sunday am's or picture days. Because I wasn't the smartest girl in school and that I had long skinny legs. I have always disappointed my mother, as long as I can remember. Her latest disappointment is because I am on disability as I am succumbing to degenerative joint disease. I'm sorry I got sick I'm sorry i wasn't a journalist like she lied and told everyone in my hometown that I was. Agh. It kinda ruins my life in ways. I'm not being dramatic or wanting sympathy. Maybe anything I've said will touch someone else. The lonliness to the core that doesn't go away no matter what. Thats what it feels like to a daughter when her beloved mommy doesn't love her back . I just fake my way thru life trying to cover that big hole with pot, having my own kids and loving them the way I wanted to be cared for, chaos, schedules for the family, whatever works to make the pain stop. Mothers........love your babies, and give them your heart, and make them the center of the universe , not with toys but your love and time . Its a horrible way to go thru life. I'm reclusive and sad. All the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was lucky enough before but not know as she apparently says that I have broken her heart and she can never love me back again and she wants me to consider that my mother is no more so that I can reduce that pain.I am not able to.I cant stop the tears flowing out of my eyes

      Delete
    2. I'm feel for you. I know how you feel, I am adopted. I've never felt truely loved by any one other than God. It has taken half my life to realize that you can't get water from a rock. Mother has no love to give because no one loved her . Literally, you cannot give what you don't have.. Sadly to say, you will have to teach her how to love with the unconditional Godly love she receives from you her blessed daughter. Yes, you are loved a great deal more than you know. God gave his only begotten son for you that you may be here to comment,... Remember to love yourself when it feels like no one else does and remember God nd I love to to . Hope this helps. M28coratti@aol.com

      Delete
  6. My mother has always been immensely partial to my brothers. She pits her kids against one another. She criticizes one to the other and vice versa. I think her problem with me is that she is jealous of the fact that I had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage and go out on my own. My brother is a social recluse. When my dad died, he and my mother shut the world out. Theirs is a very unnatural relationship, sort of like "you and me against the world". I feel she resents my ability to thrive in social environments, for herself and for my brother. She often tells me, "you think you're so smart". She perceives my self confidence as conceit, because she and my brother have none. It has taken me 49 years to come to the realization that I was raised by a very dysfunctional woman, but I am learning more and more about how to deal with it and beginning to love myself. She has been the problem all along, not me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You just described my family! Only difference is that I have a loving husband. Thank God! But yes, it has taken me 43 years to figure out that my mother is mimicking the childhood abuse she faced with her step mom. But its only with me, the daughter. The sons are treated very differently.

      Delete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This subject is so hard to talk about because its not natural for a Mother to hate her child.My Mother just doesnt care about me or my son at all.she has never loved me or wanted me from the day I was born.She treated me like a was her slave.Putting alot of chores on me at a very young age.She put me in a home when I was only 6.Because she was tired of dealing with me.I grew up with a cold,mean women who never showed me any love or support.She always tryed to tear me down.She was verbally and phsically abusive too.I was always getting screamed at for something and she was very quick to punch me or slap me,push me around,chock me and throw things at me.I am 41 now.This is what I want to get out there to anyone who reads this.You have a choice to make your life as good as you can.Dont let this person take your happiness away or burn out your fire.My mother did not succed at breaking me.I am fighting everyday.I take good care of my son,who happens to be autistic and I have a good Husband who loves us dearly.I live a normal life.I workout at the gym and am a nurse assistant.I have a strong faith in the lord above and he gave me life and I am going to make the most out if it.Its very hard.I was in a very bad place for many years and I do fight depression and anxiety too.Im on prozac for it.Im a fighter.I came in fighting and im goin out fighting...Please never give up.It feels horrible when you know your mother doesnt love you.But you cant let her win.Please be strong.Make good friends and Love yourself.....

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm still trying to figure out why my mother hates me. Ever since I was little, all I heard from her was you're fat, you're ugly and etc. My dad was hardly home because he was a truck driver. As I got older, it turned into you'll never do anything and you'll always be alone. My dad quit his job and worked where he came home every night, but never sees this. Her friend was 35 and I was 15 and he was hitting on me, my mother called me a whore and told me to stop. I cried to my friend who called my father behind my back, he almost lost his job for racing home in the ,middle of work to kick the guy and yell at my mother to never bring him around again. Thee I got older, met a guy and had a baby. But because my mother was hell bent of getting rid of him, I became a single mother. I started hearing I'm a worthless mother and that she'll take my son away from me. My father is more into our lives and now sees what's going on. I have no friends because she refused to let me have company. But my friend from high school convinced me to go to her college. Best decision I ever made. She told me I'll never graduate and actually got my son to say he don't love me while she's watching him while I'm in class for 3 hours four days a week that I cry when I go to bed every night. I met a guy at that college, I'm not there anymore because I've finished and is now on externship, he takes my son and I out of that house as much as he can, we go to church so I can find happiness, his family took me in as a daughter-in-law though he and I are not married and he takes my son as his own. My ,other hates this and tries to tell him he's not allowed around us. My father now tells me don't listen to her and just go. He and I are looking for a good paying job so we can get a house and take my son and I out of that house and away from my mother. He's ,y guardian angel.. I don't know what I would do without him. Why are mothers like this?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dont even try and figure out why.You probebly never will because they are evil.Thats so great that you have a good dad and husband.Be lucky for that because alot of people dont even have that support.sounds like you are doing well despite your mother.Thats wonderful and keep it up and dont ever let her tear you down.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I wish you the best and if you ever need someone to talk with about this Im here for you or anyone else to try and help them out.I have been through some horrible things and I know what this feels like.When your own mother hates you and trys to ruin your life.Its very painful and unless you have experienced it you cant even imagine what its like.Keep your faith in the lord,love yourself,be kind to yourself.Never Give Up.Make some good friends.Join a gym.Go to therapy if you have to.Enjoy your life everyday because you are a survivor.This person cant break you.dont let them win.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I didn't believe my mom hated me so much til the 2nd time she said it....I look everywhere in spiritual books for punishments for mothers who hate there kids,cuz there is so much for kids who wrong there mothers. Emotional warfare,if you ask me..More therapy for myself,as I searched for ways to live my life and make her happy,but nothing will be enough.To my grave,I will go,wondering

    ReplyDelete
  13. My mother is a psychopathic narcissists. I'm almost 38 years old and I have suffered an immeasurable amount of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse throughout the years. Two years ago, I finally realized the depth of her animosity for me. She's admitted to my face she resents the day I was born and she wishes I was dead. I tried and tried over the years to obtain her approval. My mother has never in her life hugged me, told me she loved me or given me a simple compliment. As I grew up and became a woman, the hatred multiplied over the years. Several months ago, I decided that I cannot go the rest of my life being consistently disrespected and yearning for a relationship with her that will never be. I've severed all ties with her and for the first time I'm experiencing true happiness in my life. I've also started my own blog using my experiences to give hope to other women experiencing similar situations. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing your blog! Mine is www.simplypunkie.wordpress.com -- if you'd like to follow just request access. I had to make it private because my mother found it and is threatening to sue me! Unbelievable!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Everyone,
    I am doing some research on Mothers who hate their daughters.
    If you would like to share your experience/Story with me please email me.
    tashakiem@gmail.com

    I myself was abused and abandoned as a child so please don't ever feel you are alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My parents have abused me my entire life and then adopted my daughter who had an adoption set up by me with a completely different life and my parents intervened, I was 21 and terrified of them. I never bonded with her, she was raised with love and attention and advantages like food. Not kidding. She traveled Europe, learned the violin and ballet. I was beaten, sexually abused, and as a result of their illegal adoption of her, developed PTSD with dissociation. Hate for her is all that comforts me. They gave her love and me hate, so that is what I know. I wish she would go away forever. She terrorizes me with the same words and abusive language as my parents. I had to move 2000 miles away to get away from them. I had to treat her like the son I kept because otherwise they would accuse me of abusing him and I would lose him too. I created her into this sweet, talented girl, but I can deny it no more. She is the devil.

      Delete
  15. I feel sorry for all y'all, especially if these are true . No mom, no man, no child or anyone is gonna steal my joy. I was adopted and wasn't loved by second mother either at least I thought. Now that my adopted mom passed in 2009.. I realized she did all she could with what she was capable of doing. God bless her for the good and the bad times. She was far from perfect and never hugged me unless I made her but deep down inside I felt she had a bit of love for me but couldn't express so I had to give her lots of love always. Sometimes I would be very displeased with her but I never gave up. She rejected me til she died but I feel good knowing I still have love to give although I didn't feel it very often, God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hello and thank you for creating this blog! In 2014 I decided to completely take my mother out of my life. In the past year I have studied a lot about narcissistic mothers and have realized that I am a survivor of a narcissistic mother. Not only that but she also took the side of my step-father when he sexually violated me (exposed himself to me numerous times and tried to have sex with me). She stayed married to him and got marriage counseling and told me to not talk about it anymore. I drank for many years, all the while still talking to her (although I did move across the country, thank God) and she was so manipulative I still didn't understand where all of this pain was coming from. It wasn't until I got into therapy when I finally got it, I finally understood that it was HER. That SHE was the one who was mentally ill, not me. She made me think that everything was not only my fault, but that I was never right. Even about my own life. I was never right, I was never allowed to have my own feelings and opinions. And I could see that she was not going to ever change. And her horrid husband is still in the picture as well so I took her permanently out of my life. It has not been easy but it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Thank you for creating this site and bringing awareness to this issue! It's people like you who are helping the situation!

    ReplyDelete
  17. My mother hates me too. She cheated on my dad and she thinks its my fault that he found out, that their marriage is crap. She's literally insane, everyone can see it, my siblings. my father, my fathers friends, our entire family, even those on her side. I used to think she had a disorder, that maybe she was bipolar, but now I've given up on that hope. She threatens me a lot and many times at the wrong time, when im depressed, when I'm stressed out over school, she doesn't know when to stop. She encourages suicide to me, and if it weren't for my sisters I'm sure I would have done it by now. I try and keep a log of all the bad things that shes done to me, said to, so that maybe later in life I will remember it all and treat her the way she deserves, leave her behind and never look back. But I could never keep up with all of it, and besides I know I could never look back because there is no way my dad will leave her. And I could never turn my back on my dad. So maybe I guess the answer is to forget I'm supposed to have a mother. Before her affair was uncovered she didn't treat me this way, but now that I think about every thing before that moment was a lie, if I did have a mother back then it was all a lie. She's a lie. I'm 17 now, it's summer break and this year ill be a senior, I guess the wisest thing for me to do at this point is to find some place far away that I can escape to for the next four years of my life. Four years where I wont feel it an obligation to try with her anymore.

    ReplyDelete