Sunday, April 10, 2016

Let's talk about some tactics manipulative mother's use against their children.  If you are a hated daughter than you have probably been on the receiving end of tactics designed to throw you off balance and wreak havoc in your life.  For most of us the emotional abuse began at a young age.  In my case, the dysfunction showed it's face when I became a teenager.  Regardless of when it began the root cause is the same, a mother who is not content with her own life and harbors some sort of jealousy and/or animosity toward her daughter.

One common theme I see among this group of hated daughters is a mother who tries, and often succeeds at turning other people against the hated child.  Mothers will turn other siblings, other family members and even their daughters own children against their mother.  When the feeling of hating their own daughter's is no longer enough to give them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside they have to "round up the troops" to create a bigger force against the daughter.  They often achieve this by starting rumors, making false accusations, or telling half truths all in an effort to make the daughter look evil or at least worthy of the poor treatment.

Playing the victim goes hand in hand with turning others against the hated child.  The mother does not take responsibility for her actions or part in the discord.  She blames her daughter for all the problems.  The sole responsibility for any problems in the relationship will lie squarely on the daughter's  shoulders even when the mother is blatantly wrong!  The mother, driven by her narcissistic personality, often does not see anything wrong with her actions and truly believes the daughter is wrong.

The silent treatment is a powerful tool and using it often puts the daughter at great unease.  Dysfunctional mothers have difficulty communicating and prefer to use passive aggressive means of getting their way.  Weak at her core, and highly insecure, the mother resorts to childish methods of sulking, silence, and sometimes tears to keep the daughter off balance and wondering what will happen next.  The term, "walking on eggshells" is often used when describing romantic abusive relationships but those who have dysfunctional mothers often find themselves also walking on eggshells because of their mother's highly unpredictable behavior.

There are many more tactics used by dysfunctional mothers all used for the sole purpose of gaining the upper hand in an invisible power struggle between she and her daughter.  If you find yourself involved in this type of messy relationship I urge you to find the strength to distance yourself from the chaos and negativity.  The guilt you feel is not authentic. It comes from an outward source, your mother's behavior and should not be confused with having committed any wrongdoing.  When other family members become entangled in her web it will be even more difficult to pry free from the constant barrage of insults against your character, but freedom is what you deserve!

My counselor often tells me that she has treated children who were severely abused by their mother, but when given a choice between going to a foster home or going back with their mother they always will choose the mother, despite the poor treatment they have received.  Are we any different as adults?  The bond between a mother and child is so strong it is rarely severed.  It is against all that is normal to detach the emotional umbilical cord to your mother but cut it you must if your sanity and well being is at stake.

  
If your mother is only mildly dysfunctional and you feel you can maintain your sense of self and still have a relationship with her than keeping the lines of communication open is possible.  However, if the level of dysfunction has turned into toxicity than you owe it to yourself to pry free from the abuse.  I have been completely estranged from my mother for two years.  It has gotten easier but it still hurts on occasion.  There are times I feel very alone without her but I have decided that I would rather be alone than allow myself to be treated poorly by her anymore.  I hope for your sake you will make a choice that is best for you.