Sunday, February 18, 2018

Conflicted

You love her but you do not like her.  You want her out of your life but you miss her.  You want to really give her a piece of your mind but you have to respect her.  You want to get over it and move on but you feel obligated to stick around and try to make it work.  Back and forth, back and forth.

A glimmer of hope that she is finally changing swiftly crushed by another snide remark or misunderstanding.  A few weeks of peace erupts in a new battle over something trivial.  An apology followed not too long after by the same old destructive behavior.  Conflicted.

For some of us, it's cut and dry, black and white, but for more of us it isn't quite that simple.  In between the love of a mother and the hate of what the relationship has become are many varying shades of gray.  Some of us have only just begun to realize that our relationships with our mothers are not normal, and some of us have come to realize that "not normal" is really a nice way of saying "Dysfunctional".  Some of us have even come to the unsavory conclusion that our mothers hate us.  Some of us are still at a point where we are trying to salvage a relationship or we have resigned ourselves to accept the relationship as it is.  Yet even for those of us who have chosen to walk away and close that door, the truth remains that most of us are still conflicted.

The blog posts have mostly faded as the emotions attached to my mother have.  In the beginning I was tormented and pained by everything that happened, and now after such a long journey I am mostly at peace.  I am afraid that as time goes by I will forget the many ways she hurt me, but I suppose that is bound to happen as I purposely try to forget the pain.  In retrospect I wish I had written a book when the pain was still fresh and every evil deed was burned into my memory.

In other posts I have mentioned that for my own sanity I decided to cut all ties with my mother.  This is a choice I made that I have not regretted at all.  I have found that most daughters are extremely hesitant to do this.  While I understand the reasoning I have to say that I am a proponent of cutting ties with anything and and everything that no longer serves you or brings you peace.

In the many responses and comments I have received I notice that many of you daughters do not have a choice.  Because of financial reasons or because you are still a minor you are still living with your hateful mothers.  This makes me sad but I do hope that once you are able to that you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.  For me this meant cutting all communication event though she does not live far from me, but for you this might mean cutting communication down as much as you can possibly tolerate.  This might mean giving her a call once a week or visiting her once a year. 

When you choose to love yourself first you will feel conflicted but I promise you that feeling conflicted is better that what you are feeling now.  I have decided for my own sanity that I would rather be outright hated than kind of, sort of loved.  I am happy to say that I no longer feel conflicted about my decision or relationship with my mother.  Occasionally I am sad, but I am not conflicted.  I hope for your own sake that you make choices that benefit your well being.  I am sending you all love and positive vibes.