One thing I have learned in this journey is that despite assurances they do not choose sides, most people do. It is incredibly difficult for a person to remain neutral in the midst of family dysfunction. In life it is natural for people to choose an allegiance. Are you Democrat or Republican? Do you prefer chocolate cake or vanilla? We all have things we agree with, and things we do not really like. In relationships, things are no different. Rest assured that if you have had a difficult relationship with your mother, and your family knows about it, they have already tried you and came up with their verdict. So in your family are you the victim or the problem?
For years my sister promised me she was neutral. Assured over and over again that she would not pick a side in this ongoing battle between my mother and I, I found myself many times hesitantly revelaing things about my personal life to her. She was my sister, and sister's are supposed to be best friends, right? When I had family problems she was usually the first to know, or at least the one to know the most intimate details. She and my mother were always closer than my mother and I, but I was only slightly worried my sister would go back and repeat what I would tell her. Time and time again I would find that my mother would have knowledge of things going on in my life I had not told her and deep down inside I knew my sister was going back and telling, yet I think I was so desperate to have a family that I overlooked it time and time again.
In my extended family I have always been the villain. Running away and putting my mother through hell as a teenager got me labeled a problem child. My rebellious nature sticks in their minds and they cannot seem to get past that. It is hard for them to believe that I am not the issue or trouble maker. Choosing to stay to myself has not helped my cause. Because of all the friction between my mother and myself I normally choose to stay away from family functions. There have been times of peace between my mother and I and during those times I would show up but by and large I am a mystery to my extended family. What they know of me and who I am comes largely from my mother has told them.
A recent death in the family brought us all together as a family. During that trying time I got a very clear view of who was on my side and who had been sucked into her lies and deceit. I was very surprised to learn that aunts whom I thought did not like me were actually the ones who ran to my side, and those who I thought I was cool with totally flipped on me. It was a very difficult lesson to learn. In hindsight, which is always twenty-twenty, I wish I had showed up more instead of cowering in a corner afraid to be seen or heard and afraid of judgement. I wish I would have stood up for myself and let them get to know me for themselves instead of leaving it up to my mother to paint a picture of who I am.
Remember that you cannot convince anyone to like you, including your mother. All you can really do is continue to live your life the best way you know how and try to be an example of love and grace. Don't get angry at the people in your life who have chosen to side with your mother. Instead, continue to love them as you remember that your mother is very likely manipulation and controlling them the same way she tried to do with you. Although my mother has repeatedly treated my sister poorly, my sister has unfortunately decided to give her total allegiance to my mother. Understand that some people are more easily controlled than others and be thankful you are not one of them, or that you are learning to not be one of them.
Please feel free to join my Facebook group, "Hated Child". It is a closed group but I would love to have more hated daughters there so we can continue this dialogue.
