It didn't have to be this way, but it is now and there is no need to cry over it. You see, my mother is a controlling mother, and sometimes it feels like she hates me. No, I'm not a teenager accusing my mother of hating me because she didn't buy me the latest pair of hundred dollar sneakers. I'm not a disgruntled young adult, upset because my mommy won't pay my cell phone bill. I'm just a regular daughter who has to deal with a mother who appears to me emotionally unstable, and incapable of ever loving me the right way."
The above two paragraphs were originally written in 2011 and saved as a draft on my computer. Fast forward to 2024 and I still feel the same exact way I did thirteen years ago. When I wrote those words thirteen years ago my mother and I were not officially estranged. We have now been estranged for nine years. Our relationship was always rocky, a constant roller coaster of unstable truces where we attempted to get along, and extended periods of silent treatments.
False starts urged on by half hearted apologies on her part would always lull me into believing that this time around we would be able to coexist and maybe even have a meaningful mother daughter relationship. We would have a few weeks or months of guarded normalcy followed by yet another violation of my trust. That would be followed by weeks of ignoring each other until one of us would extend the olive branch and then the cycle would continue once again. That cycle came to an end in two thousand fourteen after a nasty family incident and we have never recovered from that.
Last year was her sixtieth birthday. I was invited to her party at the last minute by a family member. I chose not to go for several reasons and later found out that none of her children were in attendance. I can only speculate that she has also fallen out with them since I am also estranged from my siblings. I was really sad when I found out she spent that day without her children.
Shortly after that I saw her in a public place, swallowed my pride and wished her a happy birthday. That day we talked for a while and I suggested that maybe we try to slowly mend the relationship. She seemed happy about that and I followed up a few days later with a text that was ignored. It wasn't a huge deal and I thought I would try again in a few days or weeks, however she beat me to the punch. Shortly thereafter she messaged me a text that was completely insensitive and ill-timed.
That was almost a year ago and today is her birthday. Once again I was met with the same thoughts about what the "right" thing to do was. Should I reach out again and say happy birthday or continue to ignore it the way I have for the last nine years? I am keenly aware that my mother is getting older. I am also convinced that she has some mental health issues that may cause her to act the way she does. I want to be the bigger person but I also want her to suffer the way she has made me suffer. Nothing feels like the right thing to do.
The day is coming to a close. I still have time to send that text message. Although I have mostly come to terms with the fact that we will never have a close relationship and I have made peace with my decision to cut her off, I can't help but to wonder if I will regret not sending the message when she is gone. As I pick up the phone to text her I can't help but to read the last unsettling text she sent, after which I immediately blocked her again.
These are the decisions we as hated children have to contemplate on a regular basis. We are constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place, a strange world that has no rules. In the past I have had the luxury of time but through the years it has become more real that I will not always have this time. I suppose sometimes it's not about being right but about doing what your spirit feels is right at that time. I think I am going to send the text.
