THE BLAME GAME
One sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality is that person will never take responsibility for their actions. They will always make up an excuse as to why they did what they did and usually they will try to find another person to blame. They might use phrases such as, "If you hadn't gone to the party I wouldn't have had to be online talking to my ex." In their minds there is always some other person at work trying to destroy them or cause problems though they never realize that they are the problem.
My mother moved a few months ago. Previously we had been living within a few blocks of each other. Her move was to be mysterious and secretive. She did not want anyone to know where she lived, especially me.
When she found out someone had disclosed her location she was furious. See, despite the fact that she had successfully turned my siblings against me and her actions had motivated them to slash the tires on my car and put sugar in my tank in her mind I was a threat and problem she had to run away from. This is a prime example of a person not being able to see the reality of a situation.
Long before she moved she displayed this sort of finger pointing concerning my son. She consistently undermined my authority as his parent by questioning the rules I made and giving him things I would say he could not have. If she saw him doing something wrong she would let him get away with it and if I punished him I was made to look like the bad guy. This of course left my son feeling very confused.
When my son began to act up I was blamed for his behavior because I was not a good mother and a bad influence. Eventually he went to live with her. Under her care and authority he continued to get in trouble. Instead of accepting that her unwillingness to discipline him might be contributing to the problem she instead blamed me. This time it was my fault because I didn't spend enough time with him.
What she failed to see is that both my presence in his life or so-called absence could not have both been contributing to his bad behavior. Either I was a bad influence or I wasn't. If his living with me was the problem than presumably the behavior would have changed for the better once he was no longer living with me. Instead it got worse under her care. Instead of accepting that truth she had to find a way around it and began to complain that I wasn't spending enough time with him and that is what was causing the behavior,
As you can see, mother's like this are very confusing. As a child you only know that your mother is right. That is what we are taught. It is hard to grasp that mother is not always right and sometimes she is just downright wrong. The constant shifting of blame will cause you to second guess your every decision. The blame game wreaks havoc on your self esteem.
To be free from her psychological clutches you must learn to separate her truth from yours. Her truth is often distorted by jealousy and the need to avoid responsibility. You must stop second guessing yourself and stop questioning if you are wrong. You are not to blame for the things your mother does. You cannot force her to do anything. The choices she makes and the resulting consequences are hers alone. It is not your job to cover for her, make excuses for her behavior or minimalise what she does and it is certainly not your responsibility to accept blame for the state of the relationship.
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Thursday, September 8, 2016
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Let's talk about some tactics manipulative mother's use against their children. If you are a hated daughter than you have probably been on the receiving end of tactics designed to throw you off balance and wreak havoc in your life. For most of us the emotional abuse began at a young age. In my case, the dysfunction showed it's face when I became a teenager. Regardless of when it began the root cause is the same, a mother who is not content with her own life and harbors some sort of jealousy and/or animosity toward her daughter.
One common theme I see among this group of hated daughters is a mother who tries, and often succeeds at turning other people against the hated child. Mothers will turn other siblings, other family members and even their daughters own children against their mother. When the feeling of hating their own daughter's is no longer enough to give them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside they have to "round up the troops" to create a bigger force against the daughter. They often achieve this by starting rumors, making false accusations, or telling half truths all in an effort to make the daughter look evil or at least worthy of the poor treatment.
Playing the victim goes hand in hand with turning others against the hated child. The mother does not take responsibility for her actions or part in the discord. She blames her daughter for all the problems. The sole responsibility for any problems in the relationship will lie squarely on the daughter's shoulders even when the mother is blatantly wrong! The mother, driven by her narcissistic personality, often does not see anything wrong with her actions and truly believes the daughter is wrong.
The silent treatment is a powerful tool and using it often puts the daughter at great unease. Dysfunctional mothers have difficulty communicating and prefer to use passive aggressive means of getting their way. Weak at her core, and highly insecure, the mother resorts to childish methods of sulking, silence, and sometimes tears to keep the daughter off balance and wondering what will happen next. The term, "walking on eggshells" is often used when describing romantic abusive relationships but those who have dysfunctional mothers often find themselves also walking on eggshells because of their mother's highly unpredictable behavior.
There are many more tactics used by dysfunctional mothers all used for the sole purpose of gaining the upper hand in an invisible power struggle between she and her daughter. If you find yourself involved in this type of messy relationship I urge you to find the strength to distance yourself from the chaos and negativity. The guilt you feel is not authentic. It comes from an outward source, your mother's behavior and should not be confused with having committed any wrongdoing. When other family members become entangled in her web it will be even more difficult to pry free from the constant barrage of insults against your character, but freedom is what you deserve!
My counselor often tells me that she has treated children who were severely abused by their mother, but when given a choice between going to a foster home or going back with their mother they always will choose the mother, despite the poor treatment they have received. Are we any different as adults? The bond between a mother and child is so strong it is rarely severed. It is against all that is normal to detach the emotional umbilical cord to your mother but cut it you must if your sanity and well being is at stake.
If your mother is only mildly dysfunctional and you feel you can maintain your sense of self and still have a relationship with her than keeping the lines of communication open is possible. However, if the level of dysfunction has turned into toxicity than you owe it to yourself to pry free from the abuse. I have been completely estranged from my mother for two years. It has gotten easier but it still hurts on occasion. There are times I feel very alone without her but I have decided that I would rather be alone than allow myself to be treated poorly by her anymore. I hope for your sake you will make a choice that is best for you.
One common theme I see among this group of hated daughters is a mother who tries, and often succeeds at turning other people against the hated child. Mothers will turn other siblings, other family members and even their daughters own children against their mother. When the feeling of hating their own daughter's is no longer enough to give them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside they have to "round up the troops" to create a bigger force against the daughter. They often achieve this by starting rumors, making false accusations, or telling half truths all in an effort to make the daughter look evil or at least worthy of the poor treatment.
Playing the victim goes hand in hand with turning others against the hated child. The mother does not take responsibility for her actions or part in the discord. She blames her daughter for all the problems. The sole responsibility for any problems in the relationship will lie squarely on the daughter's shoulders even when the mother is blatantly wrong! The mother, driven by her narcissistic personality, often does not see anything wrong with her actions and truly believes the daughter is wrong.
The silent treatment is a powerful tool and using it often puts the daughter at great unease. Dysfunctional mothers have difficulty communicating and prefer to use passive aggressive means of getting their way. Weak at her core, and highly insecure, the mother resorts to childish methods of sulking, silence, and sometimes tears to keep the daughter off balance and wondering what will happen next. The term, "walking on eggshells" is often used when describing romantic abusive relationships but those who have dysfunctional mothers often find themselves also walking on eggshells because of their mother's highly unpredictable behavior.
There are many more tactics used by dysfunctional mothers all used for the sole purpose of gaining the upper hand in an invisible power struggle between she and her daughter. If you find yourself involved in this type of messy relationship I urge you to find the strength to distance yourself from the chaos and negativity. The guilt you feel is not authentic. It comes from an outward source, your mother's behavior and should not be confused with having committed any wrongdoing. When other family members become entangled in her web it will be even more difficult to pry free from the constant barrage of insults against your character, but freedom is what you deserve!
My counselor often tells me that she has treated children who were severely abused by their mother, but when given a choice between going to a foster home or going back with their mother they always will choose the mother, despite the poor treatment they have received. Are we any different as adults? The bond between a mother and child is so strong it is rarely severed. It is against all that is normal to detach the emotional umbilical cord to your mother but cut it you must if your sanity and well being is at stake.
If your mother is only mildly dysfunctional and you feel you can maintain your sense of self and still have a relationship with her than keeping the lines of communication open is possible. However, if the level of dysfunction has turned into toxicity than you owe it to yourself to pry free from the abuse. I have been completely estranged from my mother for two years. It has gotten easier but it still hurts on occasion. There are times I feel very alone without her but I have decided that I would rather be alone than allow myself to be treated poorly by her anymore. I hope for your sake you will make a choice that is best for you.
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