If you have had a difficult relationship with your mother you have probably asked yourself on many occasions what you are doing wrong to make your mother hate you. If you were anything like me, every time your mother did something mean to you, the first place you looked was in the mirror. Much like victims of domestic abuse, daughters of hateful mothers often think that if they can just modify their behavior it will make the relationship in question better. It is wholly unbelievable, both to the daughter and to most of the world, that a mother could despise a daughter so much that she would treat her terribly. Thus, when a relationship between a mother and daughter goes awry, it is always the natural inclination to assume that the daughter has done something to deserve it.
Daughters are not devoid of responsibility when a relationship with their mother goes astray, and in future posts we will investigate exactly what it is a daughter does (or doesn't do) to enable this type of relationship. For now, let us stay focused on the mother. What type of mother, exactly, despises her daughter. The answer is a complex one, one that is hard to grasp by most. Obviously, not all mothers who dislike their daughters can be lumped into one category. Their are many reasons and many underlying issues involved when a mother makes a choice to have a dysfunctional relationship with her daughter. Regardless of what the causes are, the results are usually the same.
The Unfulfilled Mother
The unfulfilled mother is usually the mother whose dreams never came to fruition, usually because she got married and had children. Normally, this mother is a stay-at-home mother or one who is unhappily employed. Although this mother may have been loving in the beginning, as time goes by and she fully realizes how her aspirations have been grounded, her love turns to resentment toward the child or children who stood in the way of her dreams.
The Competitive Mother
This one is self explanatory. This mother sees her daughter as competition. Usually, the daughter is seen as competition for the attention of the father or other male figure, but she might also be seen as competition for material resources, or the attention of others besides the father. This mother usually tries to downplay the accomplishments of the daughter and might belittle her child in front of others in an attempt to break the child's self esteem and make the mother look better.
The Controlling Mother
The name says it all. This mother feels out of control in other areas of her life and so gets a sense of control by controlling others. Feeling out of control in her own life may stem from issues in her own childhood, but in any event the only way she feels in control is if people do things her way. Controlling people can stem to many areas of her life and it would not be unusual if she tries to control her husband, and friends. Feeling out of control has little to do with her job and more with other situations that have affected her.
Jealous/Vengeful Mother
The jealous mother may also be the unfulfilled mother, but not necessarily so. If the father shows his beautiful new baby girl loads of attention and ignores her mother, it is easy to see why the mother would become jealous of the daughter. The daughter has beauty and youth and the ability to capture the attention of daddy and just about every one else. Thus, her mother becomes jealous because the daughter does what she cannot do.
We must remember that these mothers can display traits that are interchangeable. We also have to remember that why a mother dislikes her daughter is so complex that simply dumping her into one of four categories will never do the situation justice. In any event, these meager categories are created to give a general overview to why mothers behave the way they do.
