Mommy Dearest

There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect person.  As children, our parents and especially our mothers, are our everything.  They are God in the flesh to us.  We have no cognition that they can do wrong or that they are less than perfect.  As we get older and the veil is lifted we are often surprised and maybe slightly distraught that this person we saw as perfect is actually only human.  With maturity we are able to reconcile the fact that although they are not perfect the love and nurturing they show us is more than enough.  We no longer want or expect perfection, we accept her with all her flaws and love her just the same.

What happens, however, when we are not given the chance to reconcile our expectations of perfection with the reality of humanness because our mother constantly keeps the flame of disappointment alive?  In other words, how can we grow to have a normal, adult relationship of mutual respect, admiration, and love with out mothers if she constantly does things which are detrimental to the mother-daughter relationship?  The answer is that it is impossible to have this type of relationship with a mother who has no desire to build a healthy relationship with her daughter.  The relationship that is not built on mutual respect will be fickle and unrewarding.

So what type of mother chooses to sabotage her relationship with her child? We will get to that in the future, but first let us talk about you.  How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?  Is it complicated?  Too complicated to even put into words?  If so, you are not alone.  There are many daughters who have trouble navigating the relationship with their mothers for various reasons.  Sometimes daughters are the instigators of issues that arise between themselves and their mothers, but often it is the parent, the mother who is the major cause of friction.  Why? Because some mothers do not like their daughters.  Yes, there are mothers who, for whatever reason, do not like their daughters.  How can you tell if your mother does not like you?  I will give you some pointers, but first let me stress that this is not about vilifying mothers while making daughters look like innocent victims.  To the contrary.  In any dysfunctional relationship there are at least two people partly responsible, and daughters play a part in sustaining the dysfunctional dynamic.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to determine if your mother dislikes you:

1) Does my mother constantly undermine my attempts to be successful?
2) Does it feel like I can never do anything right in my mother's eyes?
3) Am I constantly bending over backwards to please her?
4) Does my mother talk about me behind my back or try to turn my siblings against me?
5) Does my mother send me mixed signals, one minute she loves me the next she is angry with me?
6) Does my mother blame me for everything that goes wrong?
7) Does my mother attack my physical looks or make snide or sideways comments about my physical appearance?
8) Does she call me names?
9) Does she accuse my father of loving me more than her, or of taking my side?
10) Does she try to steal my shine? Does she take the credit for things I do?
11) Does my mother try to make me feel guilty if I don't do things her way? Does she lay the guilt trip on me?
12) Does my mother accuse me of of not caring about her or ignoring her?
13) Do I feel like my life revolves around making my mother happy?
14) Does she undermine your authority with your children" (i.e. gifting child with cell phone when you have made it clear you do not want your child with a cell phone)
15) Does she embarrass you in front of other people?
16) Does she threaten physical harm to me if I do something she doesn't like?


How you answer the above questions will give you a better understanding of how your mother feels about you.  When using the word dislike here, remember that the word can be used interchangeably with the word "ambivalent", and/or "jealous".  Think about the above questions and your answers to them.  These questions are a good starting point for further conversation on the matter.  Do feel free to let us know your story or to ask questions here.  Further information and discussion will be forthcoming.

When Mother's Hate Their Daughters

Hello all.  I am so glad you have stumbled across my blog.  If you are here because you did an internet search, you are in the right spot.  Here you will get answers to your questions and assurance that you are not imagining things.  Here you will receive confirmation that it is possible, and not all that rare, for mothers to dislike their daughters.  I decided to write this blog because I write for associated content.  On that site I have several articles dealing with the issue of mother and daughter relationships, and those articles have proven to get the most traffic and commentary.  Based on the comments I received I realized this is an issue that simply cannot be ignored.  What prompted me to write the articles for associated content in the first place is that I was doing internet searches myself, trying to get information about my relationship with my mother.  I kept hitting a brick wall.  It was then I realized there must be hundreds, if not thousands, of other daughters out there looking for answers to their questions.

Let me first clarify one thing.  The word "hate" used in the blog title is strictly for the shock factor (and because it is easier to write than dislike).  It is very rare for the mother to actually hate the child. A more appropriate word would be dislike or ambivalence.  In any event I will use the words interchangeably to describe how the mother feels toward the child.  I also want to clarify that mothers may also dislike their sons.  For this blog I will focus, in most cases on the mothers relationship with her teen or adult daughter.  I find that the relationship between mother and daughter is often very complex.  When a mother dislikes a son, she usually just dislikes him because he is who he is.  When a mother dislikes her daughter there are so many other factors that come into play, primarily the issue of jealousy which we will talk about in future posts.

Perhaps you have come here because your mother acts strange.  Maybe you are trying to find out if her behavior is normal, or maybe you are trying to figure out if you have done something to provoke the way your mother treats you.  I do not know the specifics of your situation, and I would like to caution you not to jump to conclusions.  All people in all relationships have disagreements.  In a perfect world people would act the way we want them to act, and do the things we want them to do.  In a perfect world there would be no such thing as different communication styles and misunderstandings.  Unfortunately, communication differences and misunderstandings are a part of relationships.  No one is exempt from having bumps in the road.  Perhaps after following this blog you will learn that what you are experiencing with your mother is actually quite normal.  You may however, find that you are in a distinct group of women who have a mother who dislikes them.  If you find that you are one of those women in the latter group, be encouraged.  This blog will give you insight and coping mechanisms.  I will help you navigate your relationships and perhaps come to a resolution.  In the meantime, do take time to read my articles on associated content.  These articles will give you a good foundation and some great information on your relationship with your mother.

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