Never Good Enough

One tactic used by mothers to exert control over their daughters is a mental manipulation game used to keep daughter on her toes.  It is a game where daughter is never right.  Mother creates a standard and daughter tries her best to reach it.  Once daughter (finally) feels she has reached that standard mother raises the bar even higher.  Thus, daughter can never successfully meet her mothers expectations which leaves her feeling frustrated.

Here is what a dialogue might sound like between a mother and daughter who are in a dysfunctional pattern:

Mom:  "So Sue, what are you doing with your life these days?"

Sue:  "Well, I'm still working part time at the Law firm.  I should be getting promoted soon."

Mom: (grunts and rolls her eyes)

Sue: "Amy just went on maternity leave.  I'm pretty sure they are eyeing me for her position because she will likely return to part time."

Mom:  "That's nice, but what about the Law Firm I told you about last week?  Those people there seem real nice.  They handled dad's case a few years ago."

Sue:  "Yes, but I like where I work it's close to home and everyone there are real nice."

Mom:  "Sue, you have to get serious about life, you really should apply at that law firm we spoke about.  You can't stay part time forever."

Sue:  "But mom, do you remember the last law firm I worked for offered me the full time job, you thought it would be too much for me.  You thought I should decline the position and focus on going back to school."

Mom:  "Well, whatever happened to school anyway?" (Notice that when the mother is put on the spot or challenged she changes the conversation to take the focus off of her or avoid answering the question.  Because she does not have a sufficient answer for her daughter's question she will switch to talking about school where she may gain the upper hand in the conversation).

Sue:  "After we talked about how it wasn't such a good school I decided to take some time off and look into other schools."

Mom:  " I never told you to quit."

Sue: "I know mom, but you acted like you hated the school.  You kept telling me I could do better."

Mom:  "I think you should have stayed where you were, and finished college.  You could have worked part time."

Sue: (Exasperated) "But mom!  You just said I should try to get a full time job."

What is happening in the above dialogue?  To someone who doesn't know better it seems like nothing more than a mother who is slightly annoying and can't make up her mind, but in reality we are seeing a mother who is a) offering unsolicited advice, b) questioning her daughter's ability to make an intelligent decision for her own life c) creating in her daughter a feeling of confusion.  

That is just the beginning.  When this type of confusing advice or direction is constantly offered to a daughter, who then follows the advice only to be  met with her mother's disaproval, it creates a daughter who is always uneasy and unsure of what is really expected of her.  Furthermore, this type of behavior causes a daughter to question herself when making important decisions.

Does this sound like something your mother does?  Join the group on facebook.  I haven't posted much because it is a new group with no members but I would like to continue the dialogue there.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/