Something strange happened in the month of December. It had to do with being rejected. Here is the story:
I had a coworker who was my superior. We were very close for a long time and had developed a friendship. She was a motherly figure to me and to others at the job. During the summer I felt she was starting to act strange toward me. Our conversations whittled down to her barely saying hi to me.
I found myself, as I often do when I am having relationship issues, trying to understand what went wrong. I searched my memory to figure out what I had done to offend her or turn her off. I wondered if maybe I had said something that might have upset her. I spent countless hours trying to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why she would start treating me differently. I also did what I have a habit of doing when confronted with the poor behavior of others: I made excuses for her.
Try as I might I simply could not pinpoint when the change occurred or what may have prompted it. I am not a confrontational person which I'm sure has everything to do with being raised by a mother like mine so having a simple conversation with her was not going to happen. I began to feel tension between us and although coworkers assured me I was just "overreacting" (and yes I do that often) I was positive this was more than just my imagination.
Eventually the tension, real or imagined, became too much. I am a highly emotional person and feeling betrayed by her made me uncomfortable at work whenever she was around. For that reason and other reasons totally unrelated to her I began to look for, and got a new job. It was a difficult decision but after eight years on the job I felt it best to move forward.
Before leaving I decided I had to confront the elephant in the room. It is harder for me to wonder about something than it is to know the truth, no matter how hurtful it is. Upon giving my two week notice I blurted out, "I don't think you like me anymore". She seemed surprised and asked why I felt that way to which I replied, "You never talk to me anymore." And because I am an emotional crybaby I then began to get teary eyed at which point she assured me she DID like me, that I was still a part of the "team", and I would certainly be invited to the Christmas party.
Let's fast forward now.
I'll spare you all the drama and he-said, she said that transpired during the later half of November as my former job and coworkers were planning the Christmas party. I'll spare you the details on how I wondered and spent a crap load of emotional energy wondering if I would be invited by "her". I won't relay the conversations I had with a close coworker who still worked at the job about how my name had not been mentioned at all when the Christmas party conversations came up. As much as I'm sure you would get enjoyment from those things, let's move on. It gets better.
As the Christmas party came closer it became clear that I was not invited by her. I am as much prideful as I am non confrontational so one thing I refused to do was ask (beg) to be invited. I decided that if she did not invite me I would not go even though other coworkers asked me to come. It was her event. She was the boss. She was my friend. It was up to her to invite me. The week leading up to the party was one I look back upon with sadness. I wanted so bad to be wanted. I wanted so bad for her to love me again. I wanted so bad to not be rejected.
I was really surprised by my emotional response to feeling rejected by someone I highly esteemed. I thought I had put all that dysfunctional mom baggage behind me. I'm strong, independent, confident and I love myself. It had not crossed my mind in years that I needed to feel loved by other people. It's amazing what lies in our sub conscious minds. I was surprised to realize that perhaps I had not dealt with all my mom issues.
I'm not sure if it's because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive person) that rejection feels so gut wrenchingly awful or if it's because of being rejected by my mother but what I felt in December is something I had not felt in a long time and not a feeling I care to repeat. Everyone who knew what was going on, including my husband felt I was overreacting and I probably was, but overreacting is one of the by-products of being rejected by your first love-your mother. Healthy people with healthy bonding habits and relationships may have felt slighted by being left out but they wouldn't have dwelled on it the way I did. They wouldn't have been irritable, furious, and utterly miserable about it. They would have "gotten over it", but I could not.
It brought back so many nasty feelings, ones I thought were way in my past. It hurt like hell to be rejected and whether it was done purposely or I was merely forgotten, it was depressing to feel that people who loved me just a few weeks earlier had simply moved on and had not questioned my absence at the office party. Even talking about it now, a few weeks later brings tears to my eyes. It still hurts.
I have many of the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic. There are some memories of my mother being drunk but most of my childhood is a blur and since I cannot remember her being an alcoholic I hesitate to put that label upon her, though I will gladly call her a nut job without hesitation. Since I cannot definitively call her an alcoholic it's hard for me to identify where these symptoms of being an adult child of an alcoholic come from. One of those symptoms is the need for constant affirmation and approval. I'm disappointed with myself that I still crave approval.
Another rejection, one I should be very familiar with by now also happened in the month of December. It happened on Christmas to be exact. I'm sure some of you who have cut ties with mother and/or family members understands how lonely it can be on the holidays. Holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Mother's Day can be especially emotional. Even though I am glad to have separated from my mother's dysfunctional behaviors I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her occasionally. Christmas is one of those times that can be sad for me.
Well, she dropped off some presents for my kids. As stealthily as Santa himself and as has been done in the past she dropped them off at the front doorstep with no knock or ringing of the doorbell. I just happened to see the presents when I went to the door for something. Now in the past and as recently as last year seeing those presents on the doorstep triggered a negative reaction in me. It made me ANGRY. Not angry that she was buying my children something just angry at her and the situation. This year it didn't bother me so much however, she did include a Christmas card addressed to both of my children. The omission of my name on the card was not done by mistake. It was her way of once again letting it be known that she does not like me, that I am not included and that she has disowned me. It hurt a little.
Rejection. I have issues with it. I'm sure you do too. Hopefully you are working with someone to resolve those issues because as I have seen just when you think you are past it, those issues come back with a vengeance. I'm not sure that any of us can ever really get over having a mother who hates us, a mother who has done her best to make our lives miserable, a mother who has behaved like anything but a mother but we can certainly grow and lead happy and mostly healthy lives without her. Without her. Think about that. Can you be happy with her? Would you be happy without her? Only you can answer that question.
Hey, thanks for reading my blog, fellow hated children. Be sure to join my facebook page here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/
