In previous posts I have scratched the surface of the subject of mothers hating their daughters. The question on everyone’s mind is, “What do I do if I am a daughter dealing with this type of mother.” I want to give you that answer, to the best of my ability, but I feel by laying the groundwork, and gaining understanding of the “why’s”, will help us to figure out the “how’s”, later on.
I am not an “expert” on this subject. There are no diplomas on my wall, or fancy resumes to be found. The bulk of my knowledge, sadly, comes from first hand experience. I am the daughter of a mother who has complex issues, and who has chosen a road most mothers would never choose. In the past, her behavior, and actions took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. Loosening the emotional grip she had over my mind took many, many years, and the help of others. My hope is that one day, you too, will be free from what you are going through with your mother.
I have spent a lot of time talking about mothers, but now I want to talk about you.
You have probably been through every range of negative emotion there is:
Sadness at the treatment you receive from your mother.
Jealousy at the relationship she appears to have with other people, including your siblings.
Anger that there is no way to retaliate, at the poor treatment, that others blame it on you.
Confusion as you try to understand WHY your mother is the way she is.
Self esteem issues. Insecurity. Questioning the love of everyone around you. Making poor romantic decisions. Having a hard time bonding with your own children. The damage a hateful mother wreaks, reaches far and wide. It affects you to your core.
For me, one of the things which really bothers me is when people give me their pitying look, followed by, “But she is your mother, and you only get one mother”. The widespread belief, woven into the fabric of our society is that mother’s can do no evil so bad that a child would “abandon” them. I could almost believe that, and surely understand why people hold so fast to that belief. Who really wants to think a mother is capable of hating or abusing their child? If a mother cannot be trusted, who can?
Although the rawness of the emotions are now fully gone, there are times when I still cannot help but to wonder what went wrong with the relationship my mother and I had. I am not ashamed to tell people that I do not speak to my mother. I also do not mind telling them what transpired. However, when I am telling my story I usually feel like I have to justify my decision. I find myself adding drama just to make it seem like I wasn’t being too sensitive or rash.
Am I justified? In short, my mother has a nasty habit of telling others my business, even when the business is usually not true, or only partially true. One of the people she has a habit of confiding in is an ex who emotionally abused me for five years. She has also been known to tell my children things which are not true. There are lots of people who could overlook these things, and I did, for many years. But eventually I came to the point where I realized the emotional roller coaster just was not normal. It took a long time before I stopped justifying and overlooking her bad behavior. When I finally let it go, I was relieved of so much guilt.
I know you are out there. I know there are many of you who have been through much worse than I have. The stories you could probably share would cause my jaw to drop. They would make other experiences pale in comparison. I am also sure there are some of you who choose to maintain a relationship with your mothers despite what has transpired. Although there will always be people who will not understand, know that you have a right to feel the way you feel. There is no one in the world who can tell you you are overreacting or that you are wrong. It is your life. You get to make the decisions.
That being said, as always, I personally feel that reconciliation is always admirable. Taking the high road is exceptional, but not if it will leave you in the corner, shaking in the dark because your emotions have been through the ringer. You have the right to change your mind. Severing the relationship may be the right choice one day, restarting it at some point in the future may be a possibility. Keep in mind, that because many of these mothers we speak of have control issues, trying to restart the relationship later on down the line may be difficult. Do what feels right inside.
In the future, I want to talk a little about how having a dysfunctional relationship with your mother might affect your other relationships, and possibly explore ways to deal with it (counseling anyone?). Stay tuned…
