THE BLAME GAME

One sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality is that person will never take responsibility for their actions.  They will always make up an excuse as to why they did what they did and usually they will try to find another person to blame.  They might use phrases such as, "If you hadn't gone to the party I wouldn't have had to be online talking to my ex."  In their minds there is always some other person at work trying to destroy them or cause problems though they never realize that they are the problem.

My mother moved a few months ago.  Previously we had been living within a few blocks of each other.  Her move was to be mysterious and secretive.  She did not want anyone to know where she lived, especially me.  

When she found out someone had disclosed her location she was furious.  See, despite the fact that she had successfully turned my siblings against me and her actions had motivated them to slash the tires on my car and put sugar in my tank in her mind I was a threat and problem she had to run away from.  This is a prime example of a person not being able to see the reality of a situation.

Long before she moved she displayed this sort of finger pointing concerning my son.  She consistently undermined my authority as his parent by questioning the rules I made and giving him things I would say he could not have.  If she saw him doing something wrong she would let him get away with it and if I punished him I was made to look like the bad guy.  This of course left my son feeling very confused.

When my son began to act up I was blamed for his behavior because I was not a good mother and a bad influence.  Eventually he went to live with her.  Under her care and authority he continued to get in trouble.  Instead of accepting that her unwillingness to discipline him might be contributing to the problem she instead blamed me.  This time it was my fault because I didn't spend enough time with him.

What she failed to see is that both my presence in his life or so-called absence could not have both been contributing to his bad behavior.  Either I was a bad influence or I wasn't.  If his living with me was the problem than presumably the behavior would have changed for the better once he was no longer living with me.  Instead it got worse under her care.  Instead of accepting that truth she had to find a way around it and began to complain that I wasn't spending enough time with him and that is what was causing the behavior,

As you can see, mother's like this are very confusing.  As a child you only know that your mother is right.  That is what we are taught.  It is hard to grasp that mother is not always right and sometimes she is just downright wrong.  The constant shifting of blame will cause you to second guess your every decision.  The blame game wreaks havoc on your self esteem.  

To be free from her psychological clutches you must learn to separate her truth from yours.  Her truth is often distorted by jealousy and the need to avoid responsibility.  You must stop second guessing yourself and stop questioning if you are wrong.  You are not to blame for the things your mother does.  You cannot force her to do anything.  The choices she makes and the resulting consequences are hers alone.  It is not your job to cover for her, make excuses for her behavior or minimalise what she does and it is certainly not your responsibility to accept blame for the state of the relationship.

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